Apple has just spectacularly had its ass handed to it in a way I didn’t think I would see in Tim Sweeny’s lifetime. On Wednesday, the judge in Epic Games’ lawsuit against Apple ordered Apple to immediately allow iOS app developers to include buttons and external links to alternative payment options in a fiery ruling, excoriating the tech giant for repeatedly defying court orders, lying under oath, and consistently making bad choices. A copy of the ruling was also sent to every Apple executive’s mother. I’m just kidding. But that would be great because Judge Ivonne Gonzalez Rogers did not hold back. She accuses Apple VP of finance, Alex Roman, of lying under oath and referred the incident to federal prosecutors for possible criminal contempt of court. She says CEO Tim Cook chose to listen to his CFO’s advice to ignore the court’s injunction, and in doing so, Cook chose poorly. She sounds like a Viking shaman telling a cautionary tale. And now his eyes shall be eaten by Draer in Mushheim. Is that offensive, Bjorn? Uh, other highlights include the judge calling out Apple for internally calling it a good thing if external link pop-ups are scary and then defending that by arguing that scary is a a term of art, an industry specific term that means raising awareness and caution, which a is BS and b that still means scary. Now, because Apple has been acting a fool, Gonzalez Rogers ended with some bangers, writing that she will not be entertaining a request for a stay because this is an injunction, not a negotiation for this court. There is no second bite at the Apple. Ooh, you know, when she finished writing this at 3:00 a.m., she’s hitting those keys hard. Now, Apple is actually complying with the order. They updated their app store guidelines to remove restrictions on buttons, external links, and calls to action in the US. And some companies have already started to carpay this DM, including Spotify, Stripe, and Patreon, as announced by CEO Jack Ki in another of his signature video updates filled with what I like to call parasocial manic boyfriend energy. Okay, I know you’re worried and I promise I’ll sleep soon, but this is important. Been doing a lot of research. Meanwhile, Epic Games is taking a victory lap, announcing web shops, a feature that will make it easier for app developers to avoid Apple’s in-app purchasing by linking to payment options elsewhere. And Epic is so happy they also announced the Epic Game Store will take zero revenue from the first $1 million a game makes every year, which is like their previous policy announced in 2020, but with a yearly reset. Now, CEO Tim Sweeney apparently thinks this ruling will make it so that Fortnite can return to iOS next week, but Apple kicked them out for breach of contract. Uh, so Sparky might be getting a little excited. Also, though they’re complying with the ruling for now, Apple said they’re still planning to appeal. And Mr. Apple, I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s a joke. Please stop. Believe it or not, other stuff happened this week. Like for example, the Trump administration officially ended the dimminimous rule that exempted inexpensive goods from import tariffs. Now, this rule was basically the only reason that Teeu and Shien got so popular in the US as the go-to destination for finding cheap things to ship directly from China so you can fill up your house and hopefully the hole in your heart. I think you can still see some of the floor over there. Better fire up the app. Well, not anymore. Teimu says they’ve stopped shipping goods from China directly to US customers and will now focus on shipping items from US-based warehouses. Meanwhile, tariffs have driven Xbox to raise the prices of its consoles, accessories, and games worldwide. The base model Series X will now cost $600 USD, up from 500. While the two TBTE version is now $730, making it more expensive than a PS5 Pro, which Xbox is probably fine with because they are making it very clear they do not care if you buy an Xbox. Because at this rate, the PS5 Pro and your grandma will be an Xbox. Everybody’s an Xbox. Also, wait, why are game prices going up? Those don’t have to be imported. Um, just because. Ah, yeah. Sounds right. It almost makes you want to check out our sponsor. Oh, Snap. Oh, Snap is is their name. It’s appropriate because they make phone accessories that are actually really good. I know it’s shocking, but their Snap Grip, Snap Charge wireless charger, and Snap Car mount also magnetically snap together. So, that also works. And it would work great for your mom. This is not a mom joke. Mother’s Day is right around the corner on May 11th and moms are always juggling a million things. So get this for her and her losing her phone in her car is one less thing. Now if you buy one of these, you’re probably going to want all of them cuz they’re good. So why not save some money and get them all with the car power kit. Tell your mom you got a deal. She’ll love that. Now be a good progyny and check out Oh snap at our link in the description. Huh. And now it sounds like it’s time for the quick bits. What do you mean you can’t hear that? References to a higher tier Intel Battlemage GPU codenamed BGM31 have been spotted in manifests for shipments traveling between Intel Vietnam and its other labs. According to Twitter posts from the leaker known as Hayes. Other Twitter leaker One Raichu also suggested Intel hasn’t given up on a more powerful sibling to the Ark B570 and B580 despite rumors to the contrary. But there are also rumors of Intel CEO Pat Gellzinger being fired. But he’s still there. He’s still he’s still in in in here. Pat. A company called Aurora has become the first to commercially deploy self-driving Class 8 trucks, which will be driving themselves all over the great highways and byways of Texas completely without a driver inside, which is unbeknownst to many Tesla owners. what self-driving is actually supposed to mean. Although, it definitely helps that Aurora trucks use LiDAR. I hear it’s better than regular cameras. I know. Two storied gaming outlets were hit by sudden layoffs this week. Giant Bombs owner FandM laid off a number of prominent staff, including Jeff Grub, who we have cited on this show many times. Many staff at Polygon were also let go as the site was sold by Vox Media to Valnet, the company that owns a ton of brands, including Game Rant, Dual Shockers, XDA Developers, Android Police, and How to Geek. I would say, well, at least some staff survived the purge, but they’re now working for a holding company that sued the RAP over that outlet’s report on sweat shoplike conditions at Velnet’s companies. So, uh, guess you’ll be wearing shorts to work now. Ah, and Japanese researchers have proven you can get cicatas to play the Baroque classic Packle Bell’s Cannon by jabbing electrodes into their specialized sound producing organs called timbles. Okay. Why? The researchers say, "Hey, it doesn’t harm them." And one day they could be used in emergency situations such as earthquakes. To do what? Give grandma’s a heart attack. Earthquake. Earthquake. I mean, she’s already been turned into an Xbox. Give her a break. And it’s time for us all to take a break from tech news. But only until Monday when we’ll all come back here and check on our Xbox mutation progress. I’m already starting to see my buttons come in.